When you come for sex and intimacy coaching, it’s my pleasure to make our relationship all about you!
What does that mean? And how is it different from what you’d find in a normal relationship?
In a normal relationship you’re always putting some of your energy into taking care of another person’s needs. This can be very pleasant when there’s genuine reciprocity; but, it’s no fun when your own needs aren’t getting met. In the worst case, you’re handling another person’s unresolved baggage and protecting their tender ego. Yuck.
I promise that’s just not going to happen with me.
In our relationship there will be 2 people looking after you – you and me. And the only person taking care of me is me, well, unless it gives you pleasure to take care of me, but definitely not at your expense. All I need from you is basic courtesy. You’ll be amazed at the safety this can create.
Looking after your emotional needs is where I have especially strong skills that most men don’t. It’s something that I’ve cultivated for years in my training to be a Hakomi therapist and can be summed up in 2 words – Loving Presence.
In loving presence, a state of mind I consciously maintain during our time together, I’m actively looking for aspects of you which I find noble, inspiring, moving and beautiful. There’s no problem solving, achieving a goal or being critical. There’s nothing wrong with you and nothing that needs to be fixed or changed.
Within loving presence all your emotions are welcome. Not just the pleasant and socially acceptable ones like joy, passion, excitement, curiosity and love, but also all the difficult ones like fear, confusion, anger, shame and grief. The ones that you might worry about bringing into an intimate situation. You won’t have to worry with me. I see them all the time, in great intensity. I can handle them and you.
There is tremendous freedom in this space of loving presence to allow yourself to be authentic. You can express and release old stagnant emotional material. You can open a doorway to new possibilities.
When it’s all about you, you also get to be unabashedly selfish. You can ask for what you want and be fairly certain of getting an enthusiastic “Yes!” in response. You can be daring and explore your edges, trying stuff you’ve only dreamed about before. I’m going to celebrate your wins. And any unexpected results or “failures” will only get you a tender consoling and maybe a genuine laugh. With sex, new stuff often goes sideways. It’s all a learning experience and no big deal.
Sadly, I’ve worked with many women who’ve had relationships where they’ve bravely tried to make sex fun and exciting only to be shut down with disinterest, withdrawal, anger and shame from their partners. That’s not going happen with me. I’ll be your willing and able co-conspirator. More than that, I’m a seasoned sexual explorer. I can take you to exotic new realms with confidence.
Certainly these qualities that I offer – loving presence, the freedom to be selfish, and a breadth of sexual expertise – are not impossible to find in normal relationships. But given the level of sexual dysfunction in our culture they are rare. (Don’t get me started about the perils of online dating.) And, if you’ve never had them, you might be skeptical that they exist. You might not be able to recognize or accept these qualities even when they’re right in front of you. With some practice with me you’ll be able to spot them and receive them.
At some point you’ll be able to, gasp, create them for yourself on a regular basis.
I take great satisfaction when a client, with her own efforts, starts creating satisfying intimate sexual times for herself.
That’s a real reward for me. I get to be witness to the transformative power of being generous.
Making it all about you truly is my pleasure.